I'm sure that I have talked to many, many people about these topics. In my life, specifically. So if you'd rather not read about this...I will totally not be offended. I just need to get all of this off of my chest because I feel like I worry (maybe not the best word--think, anticipate, wonder--those might work better---or like a huge, conglomerate word-hybrid of those) about it too often.
It's something that I struggle with so much.
Should I think about it? Should I not think about it?
Wait--NOT THINK ABOUT IT? Is that even a possibility? Well, let me tell you...
No. No it's not. Sure, maybe there will be days that I am busy and it may not cross my mind...or I may go through a stint where it is not on the top of my brain, but no, there's really no option availabe that's labeled, "Don't think about it." And there is nothing wrong with that. No matter what anyone says. There is nothing wrong with dwelling on or wondering about one of the deepest desires of your heart. It's always gonna be there. No matter how many things you put on top of it. No matter how much you try to push it down, down, down. It's always gonna pop back up...just like that stupid inflatable beach ball that you're trying to sit on in the pool. You may get it under there for a couple minutes...but one jerk, or sudden movement...and *POP* it resurfaces. It's something that you just have to live with (or without, literally) until it happens. And that's hard. It kinda sucks. And you can let it upset you. Or you can stand in awe and wonder of it. Of it's mystery. Of the anticipation that it could happen at any moment--when you least expect it, maybe. Or maybe when you feel it coming. You can get depressed about it. Or you can be so excited and hopeful about it! Or you can do all of these things. Just put them on rotation. Because that's what generally happens. I'm a human. I feel different emotions daily. So when I go through the bad ones, I have to remember to remind myself to be hopeful, no matter what. Because I'm no dummy. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I know that God has put this desire inside of me for a reason. And I know that He won't disappoint me. I know that it will all happen in His perfect timing. I know that He has prepared for me the person that I need, and will need for the rest of my life. Yeah. I know all of this. And I'm thankful for it. But that doesn't make it any easier. I guess it should. And it does some days! But not all days. And that's okay.
And you know what else I realize?
That finding someone is not a cure all. I know that they will bring much more happiness to my already happy life, but I realize that once this desire is fulfilled another one will sprout in my heart. There will always be something to long for. I understand that finding love will not make everything all better. But that doesn't make me not want it. No, that would be silly.
Let's see...what other things bounce around in my head daily?
Oh yeah, sometimes I'm afraid that people will see me as desperate. And I can see how someone who doesn't know me that well could think that. I'm definitely what you could call 'boy crazy.' But let's be real, here. I've been 'boy crazy' since I was like 6. Boys are cute and funny. And I'm not afraid to talk about this. And yeah- I talk about it too much. Call your lawyer and sue me if it bothers you that much! Ha-I'm being a little silly (wait--I'm always silly...). But yeah, I know that I'm not desperate, so I know that's all that matters. Heck...if I were desperate then I would probably be dating some nice, kind of boring guy that I don't really like all that much. But he's there and he's cute and nice, right? Nope. No way. Not for me. I'm in this for the long hall. I'm camped out and I'm just gonna chill here and wait for a man that I can write home about. I've waited this long...what's a little bit longer gonna hurt?
Wow. I apologize for anyone who actually read this. Sometimes it's nice to just spew out limitless word vomit onto your blog that like 5 people read. Now you know what it would be like to be trapped inside my brain on a night that I can't fall asleep. Let's hope that never happens to any of you...because, well...yuck! Brains...gross.
Alright....allllriiiiight. I'll shutup already. Your welcome.
laurenthevampireslayer signing off...
