Love and Marriage.

I'm sure that I have talked to many, many people about these topics. In my life, specifically. So if you'd rather not read about this...I will totally not be offended. I just need to get all of this off of my chest because I feel like I worry (maybe not the best word--think, anticipate, wonder--those might work better---or like a huge, conglomerate word-hybrid of those) about it too often. 

It's something that I struggle with so much. 

Should I think about it? Should I not think about it?

Wait--NOT THINK ABOUT IT? Is that even a possibility? Well, let me tell you...

No. No it's not. Sure, maybe there will be days that I am busy and it may not cross my mind...or I may go through a stint where it is not on the top of my brain, but no, there's really no option availabe that's labeled, "Don't think about it." And there is nothing wrong with that. No matter what anyone says. There is nothing wrong with dwelling on or wondering about one of the deepest desires of your heart. It's always gonna be there. No matter how many things you put on top of it. No matter how much you try to push it down, down, down. It's always gonna pop back up...just like that stupid inflatable beach ball that you're trying to sit on in the pool. You may get it under there for a couple minutes...but one jerk, or sudden movement...and *POP* it resurfaces. It's something that you just have to live with (or without, literally) until it happens. And that's hard. It kinda sucks. And you can let it upset you. Or you can stand in awe and wonder of it. Of it's mystery. Of the anticipation that it could happen at any moment--when you least expect it, maybe. Or maybe when you feel it coming. You can get depressed about it. Or you can be so excited and hopeful about it! Or you can do all of these things. Just put them on rotation. Because that's what generally happens. I'm a human. I feel different emotions daily. So when I go through the bad ones, I have to remember to remind myself to be hopeful, no matter what. Because I'm no dummy. I know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. I know that God has put this desire inside of me for a reason. And I know that He won't disappoint me. I know that it will all happen in His perfect timing. I know that He has prepared for me the person that I need, and will need for the rest of my life. Yeah. I know all of this. And I'm thankful for it. But that doesn't make it any easier. I guess it should. And it does some days! But not all days. And that's okay. 

And you know what else I realize? 

That finding someone is not a cure all. I know that they will bring much more happiness to my already happy life, but I realize that once this desire is fulfilled another one will sprout in my heart. There will always be something to long for. I understand that finding love will not make everything all better. But that doesn't make me not want it. No, that would be silly. 

Let's see...what other things bounce around in my head daily? 

Oh yeah, sometimes I'm afraid that people will see me as desperate. And I can see how someone who doesn't know me that well could think that. I'm definitely what you could call 'boy crazy.' But let's be real, here. I've been 'boy crazy' since I was like 6. Boys are cute and funny. And I'm not afraid to talk about this. And yeah- I talk about it too much. Call your lawyer and sue me if it bothers you that much! Ha-I'm being a little silly (wait--I'm always silly...). But yeah, I know that I'm not desperate, so I know that's all that matters. Heck...if  I were desperate then I would probably be dating some nice, kind of boring guy that I don't really like all that much. But he's there and he's cute and nice, right? Nope. No way. Not for me. I'm in this for the long hall. I'm camped out and I'm just gonna chill here and wait for a man that I can write home about. I've waited this long...what's a little bit longer gonna hurt? 

Wow. I apologize for anyone who actually read this. Sometimes it's nice to just spew out limitless word vomit onto your blog that like 5 people read. Now you know what it would be like to be trapped inside my brain on a night that I can't fall asleep. Let's hope that never happens to any of you...because, well...yuck! Brains...gross. 

Alright....allllriiiiight. I'll shutup already. Your welcome.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Spring hath sprung! Uh....almost.

Soooooo. Whoops :)

I'm failing pretty miserably at this! Sorry, you guise. But I have really been enjoying reading everyone else's blogs! I miss all my cuzzies very much, so it has been really nice getting to read little glimpses into everyone's lives.

Right now I'm procrastinating. I should be cleaning. But....I don't WANNA clean! But I'm gonna have to...because two of my besties are coming in town on Saturday! I am really excited! It will be nice to hang out with some normal, not super churchy folks for a while. I think we are gonna have a pretty swell weekend. And the weather the past couple of days has been GORGEOUS! I'M SO EXCITED! SPRING IS COMINGGGGGG! Ok sorry...just had to get that out.

In other news...I got a part time job as a circulation clerk at the library in a nearby town! Yay! A job that actually pays decent money! I'll still be at Penneys part time but I think it will be a nice, needed change in pace. Now I just have to start weaving my intricate plan to somehow maneuver my way into working for Disney. It's gonna happen one of these days. Even if I'm 60. I don't even curr. Anyway... I have orientation on Tuesday at the big, big library...wish me luck!

Currently listening:  My entire iTunes library on shuffle:  Time by Ben Folds

Toodles

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

You know...

I think everything is going to be okay.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

See...

I said I'd try, right? Maybe I'll hit every other day.

Today was such a nice day. So beautiful. A little windy, (I have decided that I REALLY dislike wind. It's so dumb, though.) but still beautiful. We went over to Doylestown to our favorite little theater to see this

Also did lots of walking around and sitting on benches in the sun and talking about things that matter and things that don't really matter. 

Going into the city tomorrow for a freaking show! Finally...sheesh. I'm excited! I think it will be cool. Me and Liv decided that our goal for the night will be to make one friend. Not one friend each...just one friend. Lol. Wish us luck.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Meh.

Well, hello there! It's been a minute since I have been on this particular blogging site. I will say right now that I will try my best and abide by the rules for the Ides of March, but I really can't make any promises. I have been a lot more forgetful the past few months than I normally am (which is pretty bad-i might add). But I think it will be good for me to do a bit of writing everyday. I actually just wrote something for the first time in...i guess...over a year, a couple of days ago. I was journaling...and then I just all of a sudden started writing something. It really does help me a lot to, not just journal (that does, too) but to translate what I'm going through at the time into a little story or poem or something. And it makes me a little sad that I haven't done that in so long.

Gee...ok. I just wrote a very honest and probably over-revealing second paragraph and it just got deleted. So yeah. Whatever. I had a great day. But other than that, things haven't been going so great. My life feels much like what just happened to my blog post. Maybe no one else was supposed to see it, but I just needed to get it out. Who knows? Sometimes I just really don't understand life :/

Here's a song.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

"I look up to the mountains--

does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you
will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.

The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.
The Lord keeps watch over you as
you come and go,
both now and forever.

Psalm 121:1-8

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

I Left My Heart in the Netherlands

I cannot believe that it has been an entire year since I embarked on one of the most special and amazing adventures that I have been on (yet). It seems like it was only yesterday but it also seems like it was more like 100 years ago. Anticipating the trip, I was dreaming of Belgium and I was highly prepared to have my heart stolen by the little country, but just like usual, things don't always seem to go as we plan them in our minds. Now, don't get me wrong here...I adored Belgium, it was entirely too cute for words...I just never realized the strength of the pull that the Netherlands would have on my heart. I really should have known, because ever since I studied those first few Dutch paintings, I was hooked. Maybe it was because many of these Dutch painters that I admire worked out of Belgium that had me off kilter. Either way, the cities of the Netherlands latched onto my heart and soul and they have yet to loosen their grasp!

I've just been reading about a couple of my favorite painters on this beautiful Saturday morning, and it's caused my heart to long to go back. To explore ever little town and hamlet. Every beautiful gothic and baroque cathedral. Every canal. Every cobblestone street. Every museum and gallery. I just must return. I loved it too much. And hopefully one day I will have a reason or an opportunity to do so. I can only hope and pray for this, for now.

Until then....I can only dream, and read about, and long for it.

ALS IK KAN

laurenthevampireslayer dreaming away...

So What If I Don't...

"WIPE PROPERLY"

ahhhhhh, I miss ole Chris Farley. That was one funny dude.

Well, just killing some time before I head to Hammond for wedding festivities. I think this next month is gonna be pretty chill, especially since there is.......nothing really going on :/

I think I kind of need that, though. I can catch up on some much needed me-time :)

I'm not sure where we are going to eat for dinner tonight....but I'm already starving!

And I really want a pickle.

So, I shall leave you thusly, with my random pickle craving!

laurenthevampireslayer singing off...

Who's Got Two Thumbs and is Miserably Failing Her Blogging Challenge?

THIS GIRL!

Yeah that's pretty much it.

I'm ready for Easter!

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Dear Universe,

Pretty please,

just let me have an entire day

to sit at home

and read Game of Thrones.

That is all.

Oh.

And a husband would be nice, too.

Cool.

Cool, cool, cool.

Love your biggest admirer,

laurenthevampireslayer

brainspurts

One may think that a beautiful warm day would make one never want to leave South Louisiana, but for some reason today's beautiful weather made me extremely excited to move! I'm still very nervous about everything--money, finding a job, finding a place to live, being in the extreme cold :/--but it also makes me very excited! I've never done anything like this and I have always wanted to. It kind of feels similar to the time leading up to my 6-week jaunt in Europe...something I had wanted to do for so many, many years, so it was scary and exciting and quite unbelievable leading up to it. And it was the most amazing experience ever! So...I'm hoping this will be similar. I have been praying so much about this and for the most part I have been feeling really good about it, but there is always that little tinge in the back of my mind reminding me about how many times these types of things have fallen through for me. So I have been having to push very hard at these stupid little tinges, because it is just freaking time to push past all of that and go for it. I just really can't wait to start looking for a job and get some things rolling! If only I can get through April! Oh boring, boring April, how you taunt me!

On another note, I have started counting calories and trying to be a lot healthier so that has been pretty fun! It's so funny how anytime you decide to go on a diet, there are always those several people that make you feel like you are being unhealthy for cutting back so much. I guess people just don't get that you aren't going to lose any weight by just barely watching what you eat. Like, chill out and just let me try to be healthier. Jeesh! But, yeah, I am feeling good! Now let's see if I can lose some weight before Hannah's wedding and Disney! I LOVE THE SPRING!

Ok so there are some feelings and thoughts and leaves that have been floating through my head lately.

I'm a sleepy grandma now, so I'm gonna go read and fall asleep.

kbye

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

"Liv & Lern": A Motto for Life

Whoopsie-woo. Didn't have time to blog this weekend...I was too busy livin' life!

I am so blessed to have such an amazing BFF. I mean, seriously. And don't get me wrong my cuzzies are amazing and will always be my BFFs but there is always that one person who feels like family but isn't....a brotha from anotha motha, if you will. And for me that is Miss Olivia Fuller.

She's the best. And you wish that you had a best frand like her.

But seriously, it is so nice to have a close friend that is going through similar struggles and also through similar happies as you. Someone who you can tell about the extremely weird feelings and hopes (for things like an attractive Dutch/British/German-long haired-tall-muscled-musician-Viking man named Ezra that loves Disney and plans for the life of her future man-child, Edgard) that you have and who will either share them with you or appreciate them and not think you are completely insane (or think you are completely insane but love you for it). I am just so thrilled that God put this lady in my life with similar morals and beliefs so that I wouldn't have to bear certain burdens on my own. And it has helped me immensely and hopefully will continue to do so if we are so blessed as to get to share a bachelorette pad together! It's great having a friend that makes you feel more confident about yourself, someone who is inspired by you and inspiring to you, and someone who will completely nerd out with you at...any....time. *sigh*, now just to find a male version! hardy-har.

For realz, guys...you need to find yourself a Liv of your own. It's a must-have for life!

So that's that.


PS...I'm so excited to go to Disney with a whole gang of best fraaaaaaaannnndddssss!

laurenthevampireslayer signing off a little mushily...

Don't Worry, Baby

I think that my challenge for this year will be not to worry. I believe that this year is going to be a turning point in my life and, for me, that brings along many fears and anxieties. But I refuse to let them overwhelm me like they usually do. I feel like I have already made a little progress in regards to this. Right now, I'm at the point where I'm not worried about the future....but I am. If you know what I mean there. I don't worry about it when I am not thinking about it, but when I start to think about it in detail is when the worry sets in. I need to get to the point where I am just not worried about the future...to the point where I have complete faith that God is going to provide for me when I need provision and that he will not let me fall and be completely mangled when I take that huge leap off of that metaphorical cliff. I know that He will always be there for me, but it can be so easy for me to let doubts creep in. Well those doubts better look out because I've a stock-load of bob-ombs in my brain just ready to be tossed at them and to explode them in a timely manner. I ain't playin' this year. Change WILL happen. And I WILL move forward with my life. No Ifs, Ands, or Buts.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

So there is my positive post for the month. What does that grant me...liiiike  5 or 6 depressing posts?

Naw, I'm kidding.

I'm just excited about this year! Any year that includes going to Disney World just can't be a bad year. It's a mathematical certainty.

I sure do wish that I wouldn't have taken that hour and a half nap this afternoon. Because I need to go to bed so that I can be all bright and bushy-tailed in the morning and annoy everyone at work!

Well I guess I will go ahead and start my pre-bedtime rituals even though I am not completely tired yet.

And if I don't see you tomorrow...Good Morning, Good Afternoon, Good Evening, and Good Night :)

Ciao.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off with a positive vibe and an optimistic outlook on life...

So This is the New Year

For me, there are some days that are filled with anxious feelings of excitement as each minute passes by. For the whole day. And I have no idea why. It happens every once in a while...usually when I am anticipating something, an event, a trip, or just a change. It's like my heart is exploding over and over again in response to the endless possibilities that the future could or could not bring. It's a really weird feeling. And a really exciting feeling. The only problem is that things don't always work out the way that I want them to. I mean, they have a way of really just not working out at all. Just because I have these feelings doesn't mean that something is going to go right for me. 

But I am hoping that this year will be different. 

I am hoping that things begin to happen and that moments fly by so quickly until all of a sudden everything stops and calms down---and my life has completely changed all around me. 

All of this to say....that this year, I'm forcing myself to expect big things to happen. 

Because everybody's gotta have their year, right?

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Eyeliner Theories

It seems that not as many good, I mean really, really good things, happen in my life when I'm wearing eyeliner.

Liv can vouch for this.

I'm interested to see if this pattern continues in the future.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off superstitiously...

Celeste and Jesse Foreverzzzz

I was about to blog-vomit some feelings after seeing this movie, but then I said to myself, "Self, that's some personal shiz...maybe you should write that in your JOURNAL and not on your public blog."

I thought that was some pretty good advice, so i patted myself on the back and whipped out my real journal.

Zing!

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed

Okay so I am fairly certain that I am just never gonna find another job.

Why people do not want to hire an extremely easy to work with, hard working, loyal college graduate? I HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA. It really just behooves me.

Oh I didn't do well on your stupid "job assessment"? I guess that's a strike against my character....oh wait....you know absolutely NOTHING about my character because you have NEVER EVEN MET ME.

Yeah, I'm a little pissed off...sorry blog world, for my outburst.

I guess I am just feeling a little trapped right now.

signed,

sincerely irritated


laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Driving Lessons

So earlier today I had an epiphany while I was driving. It was of something that I have always, always known but it was just made very clear to me in that distinct moment. This (we'll just call it an "epiphany") "epiphany" was just the simple fact that God has the perfect dude picked out for me. Not a perfect dude, but the precise other piece to fit perfectly into my bizarrely shaped puzzle piece. I mean, duh. I have always known that. But there's a huge difference between knowing it and actually being at peace with it. I don't have to stress myself out with looking perfect or being the kind of girl that every guy wants to be with or look at because eventually there will be one person that thinks that way about me and that's all that really matters. But nothing that I do is really going to factor into that. By nothing that I do, I just mean that no book that I read or way that I wear my hair or how nice my legs look is really gonna make that much of a difference if something is meant to happen. It's just going to happen. And it's going to happen at the exact time that it needs to happen and it's going to happen at the exact time that it happens. So I am done worrying. And I am done stressing out (about this particular aspect of my life....baby steps, people!!). But it's not for me to have to finagle ways to be around someone. That's not how it's gonna happen. I don't know when. I don't know how. But I know something's starting right noooowwwwwwww. Not really, but I had to just go ahead and finish those song lyrics. You just gotta go with the flow, you know.

Until then, I am just gonna cross-stitch and write and read and podcast and hopefully get a new stinking job.

Capiche?
Capiche.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off....

You Gotta Sink, Gotta Sink, Gotta Sink to Swim

"Your Father knows what you need before you ask him. So do not worry, saying 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Today's trouble is enough for today."
                          -Matthew 6:8b, 31-34

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
                          -Romans 8:28

"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the Lord will bring you today. The Lord will fight for you; you need only to be still."
                          -Exodus 33:14

"You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away."
                          -Job 11:16

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting."
                          -Psalm 139:7,9,23-24

I have been having to repeat these to myself extremely often. Sometimes I feel like the most pointless human being on the planet. It's like I have just been dropped into a jello mold and have to force my way out moving only the tiniest increment with every surge of energy. I feel alone. And I feel ridiculous for even saying any of this, because my life could be way, way, way worse. So I'm just gonna shut up because I have so many wonderful things in my life and I think that I need to learn to appreciate them more.

I just have to believe.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...

Wait, We're Running Out of....

I hate Time today. This week.
I wrote a really mean poem about Time once, but I'm not gonna share it on here (sorry!).

But it really is an annoying entity.
It goes fast when you want it to go slow and slow when you want it to go fast.
And some weeks, like this week, you just don't know where it goes. You're not even busy. It just disappears.

If you ask me, Time is a temperamental little bugger and I very much dislike it most of the.......time :)

And there's your thought for the day.

laurenthevampireslayer signing off...